Chapter Text
The broadcast buzzed faintly, glitching and acting erratically as the camera panned to follow Alastor as the Radio Demon leaned down to pick up the pair of bloody angel wings. For a moment, the Radio Demon turned his eyes to look directly at what was supposed to be a hidden camera. Alastor's face looking dead on into the feed nearly made it lose signal, becoming a jumbled mess of dead pixels and erratic electronic hissing. When it finally cleared, it was just in time to see the Radio Demon drop into a portal and disappear. After that, the feed snapped back into crystal clear 4k quality…. But the genre of the scene was rapidly shifting from action movie to tragic drama.
“Fuuhuuuhuck, I hate it when he wins.” Vox groaned dramatically, leaning back against the couch. With a gesture, the feed muted itself, Vox couldn't give a sh*t about princess rainbow sparkle and a crying angel. He'd almost respected the crazy bob cut Angel until she turned into a sobbing mess. Soap opera bullsh*t. What a disappointing ending, but oh well. His mind, as it often did, was more focused on the Radio Demon. That vain vintage venison sh*t lord always seemed to come out on top. It vexed Vox to no end. The mere thought of Alastor had Vox’s circuits overclocking with rage.
“Oi! Easy with the static, it's bad for my hair.” complained Velvette, who was lying with her head in his lap. As usual, she was more concerned with tapping away at her phone than watching the broadcast. Vox grumbled a light apology, he did tend to let off static electricity when he got pissed. Running his fingers through Velvette’s hair did quite a bit to calm him down, as well as get a pleased giggle from her. Velvette hadn't bothered styling her hair via traditional or magical means due to having no public appearances today, thus it had reverted to its natural fluffy and curly state. Velvette could wear a thousand different hairstyles, use a thousand different methods to style it, but no matter what she did it always came back to fluffy curls. She complained about it often, but Vox liked it. He quite enjoyed the feel of it, idly twisting a red and white curl around his finger.
“The knocking heads part was funny at least.” Valentino purred, taking a drag and blowing out a twisting trail of pink smoke. The tall moth overlord was lounging on the armchair next to the couch… and kicking his feet up on the coffee table again. Val should know by now how much that annoyed Vox. Was it that much of a big f*cking ask that Val not put his dirty boots on the table. Dirt and dust had bothered Vox when he was alive, but it was so much worse in his second life. Simple dust getting in his circuits could quickly turn into an all day problem. Completely oblivious to Vox’s agitation, Valentino had only been half paying attention at best, predictably having lost interest after Angel Dust was no longer on screen.
“That was... pretty good. Man, his expression was priceless.” Vox chuckled, that was a memory he was going to carve into the back of his brain. He’d have to shake that angel’s hand if she survived the night. The f*cking Radio Demon being knocked on his ass over a simple headbutt? Alastor would never live it down if Vox had anything to say about it.
“Gonna upload it? Smiles crackin' skulls with an Exorcist could go viral.” Velvette hummed, giving her phone a little wiggle at the suggestion.
“Wish I could, but I can't. Bastard's ugly mug f*cks with digital footage something fierce, gets worse on replay if you believe it. Data would be totally corrupt after a few dozen views. Potential for a ‘bonk’ meme aside, the 5 to 6 minutes if watching him torture an Exorcist would only boost his reputation. We'll keep this one to ourselves.” He was only able to upload the last Extermination video because Alastor wasn't in 90% of it, which made the data corruption manageable with editing a few black bars over his face. This time, Alastor was center stage for over half the fight, so it wouldn't be worth fighting for.
Though, for his own amusem*nt, he rewound the footage back several minutes to the headbutting. Even though the feed buzzed irritably at having to show Alastor again, a mental command played various sound effects over the course of the five headbutts. Naturally ending with the taco bell ‘Bong’ over the last one that put the pick on his ass. The screen buzzed with dead pixels, but it was worth it by the way it made Velvette and Valentino laugh.
“Shame though, watching the big bad Radio Demon play sub to the Princessa might get some rumors going~” Valentino purred, blowing a heart ring with his smoke. “You know how much Alastor hates that kind of thing.”
“Bellend, anyone with a brain can see he's just playing along to stay on her good side.” Velvette snapped at Val with a glare, but the moth just gave an unbothered shrug. She looked back to Vox with an expression of concern, rare for her. “You heard what he said though, yeah?”
“I did. Not happy about it. Not one f*cking bit.” Vox ground his teeth with the sound of glass grinding together. They were too late, Alastor did have a deal with the Princess. An upsettingly vague one. It wasn't for her soul, thank the powers that be, but still. A favor from the Princess of Hell was no small thing. Many people underestimated Charlie Morningstar, but Vox was no fool. In the last extermination, he'd seen her rival the First Man himself in power. Not to mention her political reach, a favor from her could extend to getting the services of royal demons, the Deadly Sins and even Lucifer himself. Cleverly worded, a ‘small’ favor from Charlotte Morningstar could literally move mountains. “I'll have to look into it. He's up to something. Maybe if I can figure out what he's been doing for the last seven years, I could get a clue.”
Vox flicked an eye towards his conspiracy board in the corner, outlining what he could put together about Alastor's plans. It was distressingly empty, though he had thrown a few darts at the old torn photograph of Alastor yesterday. He just sighed, annoyed and defeated. Vox hated not knowing things. Alastor was incredibly frustrating to plan around. Information gathering had become so easy in the digital age, but Alastor had no online presence. Vox had gotten complacent about his investigative skills. As much as he valued progress, if he wanted to get ahead of the man who was allergic to innovation, then Vix might need to get old school himself. Ask questions, hire investigators and spies, comb the rumor mill. Someone had to know something about where Alastor had been. Husk and Niffty were always too close to the man to get alone and likely sworn to secrecy by their contracts even if they knew something. By all reports, Rosie had seemed just as confused and surprised by his sudden return… Also, Rosie did not f*cking like Vox and was likely to keep her mouth shut even if she knew anything. There was Mimzy, but she didn’t seem like a safe person to confide secrets in, not to mention a woman who spent her days fleeing an army of debtors was rather annoying to track down.
Dead end after dead end. Alastor had an annoyingly small group of friends and kept almost everything shut behind that infernal f*cking grin of his.
“Nothing to do about Alastor for now… Though I think we should start worrying about the Princess and her hotel. They could evolve into a problem if we aren’t careful.” Vox mused, petting Velvette's hair again.
“Why, afraid they're going to interfere with business?” Val asked
“Heheh Val, are you paying attention at all, or did you miss the fact they probably just recruited another ex-Exorcist?” Voice glitching with barely restrained annoyance, Vox gestured at the screen, restoring it to the live feed. Even muted, Vox could tell the conversation had played out with about as much drama as those spanish soap operas that Velvette was strangely addicted to. The Princess was now carrying an unconscious but seemingly still alive angel back into the hotel, her former Exorcist girlfriend flying off to make an inspection of the battered hotel grounds. Squinting, Vox noticed a figure with them he didn't recognize. Gray skinned girl in a puffy dress with startlingly bright blue eyes. He did a quick mental scan of his database of important players in Hell but got no hits. Based on how squeamish she seemed, stepping around puddles of glowing golden blood, she was probably some new arrival the Princess sold on the redemption schtick. No one important.
“So what? Now that we can kill them, those bitches are old news.” pulling out his favorite pink and zebra patterned pistol, Val spun the weapon around his finger. Did he have that the whole time or literally pull it out of his ass? Vox didn't want to know.
“These two are different than regular Exorcists. Again, if you'd been paying attention, you'd realize that the bitch with the bob cut beat Angel, Cherri bomb a known territory boss, Husk and Nifty, former overlords and then proceeded to give f*cking Alastor a run for his money.” Vox snapped his fingers, the feed switching to a view of the last Extermination. A show of a personal fight between the Princess’s girlfriend and this other angel. Vox’s attention, of course, was drawn to the cat fight. Predictable. “And the Princess’ girlfriend beat her. Compared to what we’ve seen other Exorcists do during regular Exterminations and last month’s fight, they might as well be f*cking super soldiers. If the Princess gets those two working together, that could be an overlord level threat. Even I don’t f*cking know what happens to angels in Hell, for all we know, they might turn into f*cking Fallen Angels and get stronger or some sh*t.”
“Honestly, seems like most of the power came from that guitar.” Velvette observed without looking up from her phone.
“Hmm…” Vox considered that, the screen shifting and splitting. It now showed side by side feeds of the angel strumming the guitar loud enough to physically hurt Alastor and using it to call down a pillar of holy light brighter than the f*cking sun. his circuits buzzed unpleasantly at the very idea of getting caught in either attack. He had never seen any kind of Exorcist pull off that kind of sh*t. It looked like lesser versions of the magic that the First man had casually thrown around last Extermination. “You might have a point. Think we can steal it?”
“Sadly no. See how it poofs into her hand and sh*t? That's an Angelic relic. A lot rarer than the usual Exorcist stuff. They bond to their wielder, till death do you part style. So to steal it-” Velvette explained, gesturing for Vox to fill in the blanks.
“We'd have to kill her, and if she's under the Princess’ protection, we'd be starting the very fight I'm worried about.” Vox sighed, Velvette giving a little ‘pew’ with a finger gun to prove he was right on the money. Shame, it was a pretty cool guitar and a powerful weapon. Honestly, Vox had never seen its equal outside of a few rare occasions that Royal demons showed off old family weapons during televised interviews… wait a damn second. “When exactly did you become an expert on angelic weapons?”
“Oh… a girl has her ways. It's my job to know things, innit?” Velvette suddenly became very interested in her phone, avoiding looking at Vox or Valentino. Vox wasn't convinced, but he lost his chance to question her further when Valentino spoke up.
“I don't see the issue. If you're worried about the Hotel being a problem, we can just go smash it. We gave Alastor a good pounding, we can take the Princess and her angels too. Honestly, it's about time I got Angel Dust off that little redemption kick.” Valentino’s smug smile turned to a sad*stic grin. “If we go now, they're already half beaten and you know Alastor usually hides for a good long while after getting scratched up. Quick and easy, no sense in playing fair with these uppity whor*s.”
“If only it were so f*cking simple. I'd rather not start a fight with the Princess, two angels, and three other overlords today, thank you very little. A bit early for all out war in Hell.”
“Not that I'm agreeing with Val, but Husk and Niffty don't exactly count anymore, what with Alastor owning them and all.” Velvette added, while she did have a point that the pair had fallen from grace, it wasn't what Vox meant.
“Not those hazbins. f*cking Rosie and Carmine. Rosie and Alastor go way back and only cemented their alliance with the Princess rallying the cannibals last month. Not to mention Carmilla taking more than a passing interest in Miss Morningstar, she personally armed everyone at the battle for minimal recompense. Both women have something of a reputation about jumping in to protect anyone they consider an ally.” As Vox explained this, Velvette sat up out of his lap, face suddenly serious
“Carmilla doesn't take sides in Overlord conflicts. One of the only good things about her is the bitch is aggressively neutral.” Velvette even put her phone down, she was weirdly attentive over this Carmilla thing. Vox knew Velvette could get in a bit of a mood when it came to the old fashioned weapons dealer, especially after their last argument at the Overlord meeting, but this seemed excessive.
“Yeah, she even sells to Zestial’s enemies, and we all know what those two get up to behind closed doors.” Val laughed, making a lewd gesture that made Velvette’s face scrunch like she sucked a lemon.
“Don't be f*cking gross Val! Nobody wants to imagine that spidery fossil getting kinky.” Velvette growled.
“Down Velvette, chill. Damn. And you complain about my murder boner for Alastor. You know I don't say what I can't prove.” Vox flicked his wrist, a series of documents appearing on the screen. “If Carmine isn't shacking up with the Morningstars, then why is she grabbing up a half dozen buildings so close to the Hotel? Carmine never makes this kind of investment unless she’s thought through every possible angle, so this can’t be any kind of coincidence.”
The documents were a mix of bills of sale and early stage construction contracts, all plucked from the city database. Vox didn't yet know what they were for, because while Sinners in Hell liked to keep track of who owned what building, there were no requirements to get things like permits or business licenses. People just kind of built whatever, wherever and naturally there was no OSHA in Hell. Buildings were usually blown up and rebuilt so often, nobody even gave a passing thought to safety regulations. Construction crews never went poor in Hell. Velvette seemed furious, eyes scanning through the dense legalese of the documents, looking for some clue
“Mmm, don't know Vox. The Morningstars don’t do much actual business. I know enough about buying property to know that it's a pain in the ass and it's better to leave it to people like you. Better you wade through that bullsh*t than me. They probably just asked Carmilla to help them buy some property because she's good at that kind of thing and they'd owe her a favor. Occam’s Dong or whatever.” Val shrugged, not even bothering to glance at the documents.
Velvette and Vox just stared at him, slowly blinking.
“Occam’s what?” Vox asked
“Occam’s dong, that thing you said about, like, ‘simple solutions usually being correct’ or whatever.” Valentino gestured vaguely. Vox’s eye twitched and glitched erratically.
“Occam’s Razor, you f*cking- mmmhmm hah…” Vox bit his digital tongue, dragging a hand down his face, wishing he still had a nose to pinch the bridge of. The agonies of a flat screen. He took a deep breath, mentally shoving Valentino’s oversexed idiot brain out of his thoughts with considerable effort. At minimum, the distraction of Valentino’s blazing stupidity had shaken Velvette out of whatever weird fixation she’d had over the Carmine issue. “Word choice aside… you might actually have a point, weirdly enough. I miiight be being paranoid. Either way, no assault today, better to just keep an eye on things for now.”
Valentino gave a long and dramatic groan, clearly having been in the mood to shoot something. The pimp could be obscenely trigger happy, but at least he seemed convinced to leave well enough alone for now. The tall moth demon rose from his chair and gave a big stretch, flexing out his wings before refolding them into his usual coat.
“Fine fine, if weren’t not going to actually shoot anyone, then I need to get ready for tomorrow's p*rn shoot. Because of that royal bitch, Angel Dust isn’t in the studio as much anymore, so I need to milk that twink for all he’s worth while I have him.” he said, taking a drag on his cigarette stick as he turned to walk away. Vox frowned slightly, exchanging a look with Velvette.
“Oi, Val, Angel kinda took a beating, shouldn’t you reschedule or something?” Velvette asked
“The twink literally got curb stomped, dude’s face is jacked.'' Vox added. Valentino just paused at the door, glancing over his shoulder at them, then he simply shrugged.
“That’s what the makeup department is for, darlings~” he answered before slipping out the door.
Vox and Velvette sat on the couch, looking after him for a long moment. They gave each other another meaningful look before shaking their heads.
None of the Vees were saints, none of them tried to be. They were quite the opposite actually, it was required to get sh*t done in Hell. Vox and Velvette were quick to punish anyone who disobeyed them or failed to perform under expectation, often with deadly force. Bad as that sounded, in Hell, Death wasn’t the worst punishment you could put a person through considering most people came back after a few hours unless you wasted a holy bullet on them. Valentino though, more often than not his wrathful abuses of the staff didn’t even have good reason behind it nor was it limited to just his department. All too often Valentino would tear through a cast of models or a roomful of coders just because he was in a bad mood. Outside of the bloody wrath he extended to Vel and Vox’s staff, the way he treated his own staff often left a bad taste in the mouth for entirely different reasons than blood and gore. Vox had made a few vain attempts to reel Valentino in with concern to his erratic behavior messing with the Vees professional reputation but had mostly given up. The presence of Angel Dust had been a blessing and a curse. Mostly in the fact that when Angel was around he tended to absorb most of Val’s attention be it positive or negative… but when Angel Dust wasn’t around, Val’s obsession with the gangly p*rnstar brought out the worst in him. f*cking annoying. Vox didn’t exactly care about people getting hurt, he just wanted a peaceful work environment. Was that too much to ask?
Desperate to make his own peace before he blew a fuse, Vox relaxed back into the couch with Velvette reassuming her position of laying on her lap and tapping away at her phone. Not wanting to think further of Valentino for now, Vox held up his hands. The monitors responded, switching to a variety of different programs, documents, and video feeds. Vox began his usual hobby of multitasking and micromanaging all the various businesses and functions that the Vees controlled, putting on some of Velvette’s favorite music as background noise while he worked. To anyone else, the massive flow of information that poured from every inch of the Vee empire might have been overwhelming. For Vox, it was actually rather soothing. The flow of numbers and data was his muse and making sense of the chaos brought a gentle calm like no other.
“Remind me why we keep him?” she asked, working to type up some memo that was going out to the staff, notifying her department of the needed preparations for an upcoming show.
“He’s easy. Easy to manipulate, easy to get into bed, and easy to profit off. He might be annoying, but we need his power.” Vox mumbled, eyes darting around the various screens, hands making small gestures to manipulate things.
“He wasn’t my first choice for the team.” Velvette grumbled. She tolerated Val and occasionally made use of him when convenient, but she was often pissed with Valentino… especially after his temper tantrums tended to result in her models getting the axe at extremely inconvenient times. Vox just hummed in reply. Valentino hadn’t been his first choice either… but that ship had sailed. The creation of their group had been the only way to really compete in Hell, each of them had only been minor Overlords but working together made them stronger than any individual… except maybe Zestiel, but nobody wanted to test exactly how powerful that spidery freak was.
For the sake of power, they had to put up with Val’s quirks. There were worse deals in Hell.
“On a different topic, what's your take on the hotel situation? Should we be concerned or am I overthinking it?” Vox asked. In contrast to Valentino’s overt stupidity, Velvette was probably one of the smartest people he'd ever had the pleasure of working with. Her ability to analyze trends and read people was unparalleled, making her the ultimate social media manager. Her opinion was one he would always listen to.
Velvette was quiet for a few moments, clicking off her phone and setting it to the side. Something she only did when actually deep in thought, so it was a good sign she was taking his question seriously. She chewed on her thoughts for a few seconds before replying.
“Think it will only be a problem if we make it a problem. The Princess may have a lot of personal and connections and power, but you’d know better than me that she doesn’t f*cking use them. She’s not the controlling type. If somethin’ hits the hotel, it’ll hit back hard but otherwise, if we don't poke the bear then its a non-issue. On the Business side, they aren’t competing with our areas much. Likely any idiot that actually thinks they can get ‘redeemed’ has already sworn off most of our products. Little to no loss in customers.” Velvette shrugged, clicking her phone back on and getting back to her scrolling. “Could write them off completely if not for Alastor. That mad prick isn’t cozyin' up to some of the most powerful people in Hell just for fun. It's clear he’s not buying the Princess’ redemption thing either. He might only have a favor for now, but who knows what he can stretch that out into. Even worse if he actually gets into Daddy’s good graces. Smiles is up to something for sure.”
“Hmmm. so, just keep things down to observation for now?” Vox asked, getting a nod. It would certainly be easier to just clean potential issues like Alastor and the hotel off the board before they became a threat, but the threat of pissing off the literal devil wasn’t worth it. Velvette was right as usual. The Hotel itself was not an issue, but Alastor’s influence over it could very well become one. “At the very least, do you think we should run a smear campaign to discredit it, keep its popularity down?”
“Not right now. It's too early for that kind of thing. Everybody knows that it was us that released all the footage of the battle at the hotel, which gave them a sh*tload of free publicity. If we start trying to discredit them so soon, it’ll make us look inconsistent, do more damage to our reputation than theirs. The princess was lobbying for some media attention at their grand opening next week, but after that fight it's probably delayed. Whenever they do the opening, we can slip a few of our reporters and spies in, control the tone of the event and get some cameras on the inside. Take it from there.”
“Have I mentioned I love the way your mind works?” Vox smiled, adding some reminders to his personal calendar to do just that. He would have to do a better job of selecting a spy this time around, the old snake had been a goddamn embarrassment not worth the price of the smart watch he borrowed.
“You have. I’m bloody brilliant.” Velvette said with a pleased little hum.
With that business settled, Vox worked in silence for a while. Though the room was quiet and peaceful, due to the fact Vox had trained himself to pay attention to multiple things at once, he couldn’t help but notice Velvette was still in a foul mood. Usually talking shop and a few compliments were enough to get her over any lingering resentment for Val’s stupidity so it had to be something deeper. If it wasn’t Valentino bothering her, then that left one alternative. Mentally bracing himself, he put a few operations on hold and tilted his screen to look down at her.
“The Carmine situation really got to you, huh?” Vox asked, and based on the way Velvette started, he hit the nail on the head.
“No! Well…I dunno, maybe. Just doesn’t make sense. It's not like her to take a definite side in anything. Especially not kissing up to the f*cking Royal family. What if Lucifer tells her to stop selling Angelic weapons to other overlords or something” Velvette’s expression held a mix of emotions that were hard to parse.
“Sinners make up two-thirds of her client base, I doubt she’s going to just give up that market.” Vox shrugged
“She might if the King of Hell asks her to. I just… I don’t like it. Need to look into it, get some stuff together and figure it out for myself.” There was more going on than Velvette was saying, and Vox knew it. They locked eyes, and Vox raised an eyebrow. An invitation to tell him exactly what her issue was. Velvette opened her mouth, but then just let out a sigh and picked up her phone again. “Maybe another time Vox… just… leave this one for me, yeah?”
He looked down at her for a few seconds, before giving a small nod and turning his head back up to resume working.
Vox was in the business of information. He liked to know everyone’s secrets. Their strengths, weaknesses, and how to control them. If it were anyone else, he’d have set about digging up dirt as soon as they were out of direct eyesight… but for Velvette he would make an exception. Only for her.
—
Adam died.
It f*cking sucked.
The first time had been bad enough. Seriously, dying of old age was f*cking miserable. The worst part of it was that nobody had f*cking warned him! God or any of the angels could have at least mentioned that he came with an expiration date. Honestly, it was a major design flaw. They know how to make immortal angels, why not immortal humans?... Well, Heaven was a pretty good consolation prize. The Angels treated him like royalty up there. 10,000 years of kicking it back and having it good. Being famous, playing gigs, getting a personal army of hot babes, slaughtering demons and having a good f*cking time.
Adam had the world in the palm of his hand… then one little brat starts preaching her kindergarten happy sappy ‘redemption’ bullsh*t and everything spirals out of f*cking control. That last Extermination was a goddamn disaster. Unfair bullsh*t. His ex-wife’s crotchspawn ended up packing way more of a punch than she had any pacifist goody goody had any right to… Then f*cking Lucifer descends from on high to ruin his life again. Made him look like a f*cking idiot in front of everyone.
The cherry on that particular sh*t cake of a day was that as soon as princess sparklefluff convinces daddy dearest to stop beating the absolute dogsh*t out of him… He gets stabbed by a mentally ill co*ckroach. A lot. At least if Lucifer killed him he might have gone out with some dignity. Cool epic showdown and all that sh*t. But no. 1950s looking ass deranged midget going absolute stab happy on his colon. f*cking lame dude.
He didn't deserve that sh*t.
Right?
Of course he didn’t. He was the first f*cking man. The embodiment of God’s design. He worked his f*cking ass off when he was alive. Got the ball rolling on mankind. He invented f*cking everything. Farming, hunting, tools, instruments, all that sh*t. He f*cking invented inventing things! He had faced as much or more hardship than any human in history. Adam earned his afterlife and didn’t deserve any of this sh*t.
And sure, maaaybe he didn’t get everything right on the first try when he was alive. He had to figure out everything from scratch. Life for him and Eve was rough as sh*t after getting chased out of Eden. Lots of trial and error. Some things worked, some didn’t…
Like parenting…
Abel had turned out fine, mostly fine. Kid was kind of a braggart but otherwise a good kid. Took care of the animals really well and all that. Cain… well… In hindsight, Adam probably could have handled that situation better. It wasn’t entirely Cain’s fault. He was a sweet kid, it's not like he knew murder was even a thing that could happen. The kid was just upset, he hadn’t wanted to actually kill his brother. At the time though, Adam had just lost a son and he ended up sending his other son away. Maybe they should have talked or some sh*t, but parenting books weren’t exactly a thing at the time. That had been the point when things started to really go downhill. Convincing Eve to have another kid didn’t really save their marriage either. Seth turned out alright in the end, and did a few important things. Kid could have used a better PR team though, he often got forgotten compared to his older brothers.
Relationships had been hard too, though he mostly blamed that on the burden of Free Will. What a sh*tshow that turned out to be. He’d been happy as a clam in the garden without it.
To this day, he still didn’t get how Lilith ended up with it. She didn’t even eat the stupid apple, she must of just been stuck with it as a f*cking defect. ‘Perfect design’ Adam’s ass, God made plenty of mistakes. Horses were proof of that. Adam and Lilith had fought like cats and dogs from day one. Hot as hell, stubborn as a brick. They still couldn’t get along thousands of years later, even her negotiating a deal to get out of Hell had nearly resulted in an argument that nearly leveled the embassy. f*cking bitch.
Eve though… Eve had been different. She was the woman, in more ways than one. Maybe it was because she had been literally made for him or if she was just destined to be awesome. The details didn’t matter. Eve was kind, funny, wonderful but unfortunately curious. Sure, the Angels had intended Adam and Lilith to be together, but there was never anything between them. With Eve, Adam had understood what love really was. It was something that made biting the apple worth it. Made getting kicked out of Eden worth it. Made everything worth it because he wasn't alone. Even if it wasn't perfect, Even if they argued… Eve had been more than he deserved.
Thousands of years of hindsight had been a real kick in the teeth. Despite how much he loved Eve, he had messed things up between them when he was alive. Cain and Abel had only been the start of it. There were other things, a lot of other things. Adam had been stoked when he learned the Afterlife was a thing. Perfect clean slate for he and Eve to start over. He would do better, treat her right, make up for his mistakes. He spent a decade sitting by the pearly gates waiting for her…
But Eve never came. She just disappeared. He'd asked and gotten no answers, again and again. Apparently he had missed a whole war between Heaven and Hell while he was alive, Lucifer and Lilith apparently took offense at the whole ‘banished to Hell' thing as punishment for their colossal f*ck up. Because of that there was no communication or travel between Heaven and Hell, things were chaotic, little details fell through the cracks and a bunch of other bullsh*t excuses. His wife was not a f*cking minor detail.
Practically the whole reason he eventually agreed to take on the whole ‘Extermination’ gig for Sera was just for an excuse to go to Hell and look for her. Yet, he never found her. She was just… gone and it was something Adam never really got over.
Eventually he moved on. There were other women. Thousands of them, literally, but none of them were Eve.
And then there was Lute. he really should have done something about that. Her feelings had been pretty obvious. Always doing whatever he wanted, hanging around him, trying to impress him. Lute was a lot of things, subtle was not one of them. It wasn’t the first time one of the Exorcists ended up catching feelings for him. He’d indulge her affections, after all, why not? There was no denying she was hot, he sculpted those tit* himself… but he knew she wanted more, and he just couldn’t find it within himself to give her that. It was one of the few things he genuinely regretted. Adam did care about Lute, she was probably one of the only real friends he’d had in thousands of years. She looked so damn heartbroken when he died.
It was kinda nice knowing that someone would actually miss him when he was gone.
Because he was gone. Dead as dust and stuck in whatever counted as the after-afterlife. Though calling it that was a bit of a generous description. Wherever the Hell he was now, well it wasn’t… it wasn’t. Plain and simple. Nothing to see, nothing to do, nothing to touch or feel. Just him, his thoughts, and the void. Being alone with his thoughts sucked major dong. When you have nothing to do but think, all the bad thoughts start creeping in from the back of your mind. Probably the reason for this bullsh*t self reflective monologue. Goddamn, he’d probably have gone entirely crazy if not for the music.
…
Wait… Music?
Why was there music in the void? Had there been music the whole time? He was pretty sure there hadn’t been whenever he first ‘woke up’ but honestly that was hard to define. Adam wasn’t exactly sure when his consciousness had really awoken in this place or how long he had been in it. Still, now that he was actually listening to it, he could pick out some incredibly faint music that had either started playing at some point or had been there the whole time and he was just now consciously noticing it. It felt so… familiar. Adam had a good ear for music. As he strained to focus on the incredibly quiet sound he began to pick out a rhythm, distinct notes. No instruments, just someone singing. No lyrics, just rising and falling notes.
No… no way. It can’t be.
Holy sh*t. Holy sh*t, it is.
He knew that song. It wasn’t just any song, it was the song. The first one. The lullaby. An ancient memory shot up from deep in his subconscious, crisp, clear, painful and warm. The first few years out of Eden were hard living. Building a home for themselves from scratch, having to fight off predators, figure out things like construction and farming… and Eve dealing with the first pregnancy. They had managed to scrape by, working themselves to the bone everyday, by the time the twins were born they had finally settled into something of a comfortable routine. Not an easy life yet, but they had food and a roof over their head. Just in time for the new challenge that was parenthood. Amidst the chaos of it all, Adam had made the first instrument. It wasn’t much, just a few strings of catgut tied onto a curved stick. He’d found the strings made a funny noise when he used them to make a bow and arrow. That noise kind of reminded him of the way the angels used to sing. Even better, he had found his first fumbling attempts at music usually helped settle the twins down to sleep. Usually.
Cain and Abel were being especially fussy tonight and Adam just wanted to get some f*cking sleep. His own eyes were starting to droop as he lazily plucked at the strings. Then, there she was, Eve to the rescue. She looked just as tired as him, but still she walked over and knelt by the kid’s bed mat. Then she began to sing, just like the angels had. Improvised at first, but soon she began to match the notes made by the plucking strings. Together, they formed a melody. A song. A song that was carved into Adam’s heart that he would never, ever forget.
sh*t, was he crying? He didn’t even know he could cry in the f*cking void.
f*ck, wait, if he could cry then that meant he had eyes. If he could hear music, he must have ears. If he had ears and eyes, he must still have a body! It took far more effort than it should to feel anything… but he began to manage it. The feeling of his fingers rubbing together, of his limbs moving, of his mouth opening and closing. Even if he couldn’t see anything in this black abyss, he had a body so that meant there had to be an up and down, a left and right and all that mess. Adam began working through trial and error, focusing on the sensation of his own body and the sound of that music. He had no idea how long it took, but he began to get a sense of direction. There was a point where the music was just slightly louder. He strained to move towards it, willing his body in the direction. He wasn’t exactly sure when the change happened, but Adam found himself running towards the sound. His feet ran over something that sounded like glass or maybe obsidian. Then it changed, more solid. Stone. Then dirt. Then grass.
All at once, Adam's vision returned into an explosion of color. He was running through a lush forest… no, not just any forest, he knew these trees. That was absolutely impossible, but it was as real as the grass under his feet. He was f*cking back! He didn't even need the song to guide him as instinctively his feet found an old footpath leading him deeper into the forest. Right to the heart of the Garden of Eden.
As he exploded through the brush into a clearing, he found himself back where it all began. Man, he'd forgotten how big that tree was. The tree at the center of the Garden. Where he had his first fight with Lilith, where she met Lucifer, where they convinced Eve to eat that stupid apple.
And there she was.
A woman knelt among the massive roots, softly singing to herself as the wind blew her hair. It was Eve. She was different, of course, but he knew it was her. She'd become a Sinner. Only made sense, she had committed the first Sin after all. Her skin had gone a ghostly pale, cracked with black veins. Once brown hair had gone black as night, with a strange smoke-like texture. He could see flashes of fanged canines as she sang, the glint of claws on her fingers. She sang with her eyes closed, but slowly opened them at the sound of him crashing into the clearing, they were red as blood, with pale white pupils… and they filled with tears at the sight of him.
“A-Adam?” Her voice was the same. And God, it was the most wonderful thing he'd heard in thousands of years.
Adam cleared the distance between them in seconds and fell into her arms, sobbing like some sappy crybaby bitch. He didn't give a damn. His hands instinctively knew the shape of her body. It was her. His Eve. After so, so long. Drawing back, he looked into her eyes. They had been green once but who cares about that sh*t? she looked at him, equally overcome with emotion. She had missed him as much as he missed her. They met in the middle, kissing for the first time in eons. It was perfect, perfect as the first time. There might be something to that ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder' sh*t.
The weight of thousands of years dropped from Adam’s shoulders as he picked her up and spun her around, the sound of her bubbly laughter breathed new life into him. Normally it would be uncool to cry, but this was a special f*cking occasion.
“Eve! It's you! It's really you!! Oh baby, I missed you. f*ck, I-i looked everywhere for you. Heaven AND Hell. God had f*cked off by the time I got up to Heaven and the angels aren’t worth sh*t. Nobody would tell me what happened to you.” he pulled her back against him, holding on as tightly as he dared. There was still a chance this sh*t was some kind of hyper vivid dream… but it felt real. She felt real. That was all that mattered.
“I know, Adam… I know. Oh, it's so good to see you.” Eve managed, struggling to wipe away her own tears as she looked up at Adam with that smile he had missed so much. “I lived a bit longer after you died, but not much and then I… well…” Eve looked down, shame in her eyes as she looked at the pointed tips of her blackened fingers. “I guess taking the first bite had some unforeseen consequences. I fell. The first Sinner. I was… Well, I was worried you wouldn’t want me anymore. Now that I’m like this.”
Eve looked up at him with those red and white eyes, so different from the ones he knew… but she still looked like Eve, sounded like Eve, acted like Eve. As far as he was concerned, nothing had changed.
“Honestly babe, I think you’re kinda rocking the goth look.” he laughed, getting that smile to come back to her face. “Even before now, I just wanted to see you. Apologize for all the things I f*cked up, just give us another chance… I just can’t believe you’ve been in Hell this whole time. I mean, I know it was a few thousand years late, but I f*cking looked around every time I got down here. I knew those assholes were lying to me.” Adam growled. He’d asked Lucifer and Lilith dozens of times if they knew what happened to Eve, but never got a good answer. At best a few times they had insinuated that she had appeared in Hell but then ‘mysteriously disappeared’ and they hadn’t seen her for thousands of years. That explained that sh*tty quip Lucifer made during their fight. Seriously, he expected getting lied to by the f*cking Devil but Lilith? Yeah, they hated each other but the whole reason he agreed to let that bitch into Heaven was because she claimed she was trying to research what happened to Eve. f*cking bullsh*t.
“Well, when I arrived, Hell was kind of a mess.” Eve smiled as she began to explain, patting his chest and guiding him to sit down on one of the roots. She rested her head against his chest in that familiar way and he couldn’t resist running his fingers through her hair. It was kinda strange, void black and it turned to smoke towards the end, but it wasn’t entirely unpleasant to feel. “Luci and Lily let me stay with them. I tried to ask about getting a message to Heaven but apparently there was this whole war we missed and Luci said Heaven wasn’t willing to talk to him no matter what it might have been about.”
“So, how did you go from hanging with the Devil to being back in Eden?” Adam asked, looking around at the tree and the forest. It was exactly as he remembered. Even 10,000 years later, no one could forget The Garden. The only difference was the fact that the place seemed to be… underground, based on the looming cave seeing high above.
“It is pretty convincing, huh? But no, this place isn’t Eden. the only thing original is the tree. They replanted it down here. Don’t ask me how. Everything else, well, its just recreation from my memory. I can control how everything looks, except the tree.” Eve explained, running a hand over one of the thick roots. “Eden just felt like home but we are still in Hell, tucked away in some corner of the Pride Ring.”
“Uuuh… I don’t get it. I mean, call me stupid but-”
“Stupid.” Eve interjected with a co*cky grin.
“Funny.” Adam rolled his eyes but still smirked. “But, I’ve been to Hell hundreds of times. I think I would have run into you or a full scale model of Eden at some point. Do you just not get out anymore or what?” He asked, but Eve immediately gave him ‘The Look’. The one she used whenever he was acting dumb. A unique mix of amusem*nt and exasperation. He'd seen that look a lot.
“I haven’t exactly been a social butterfly, no.” still giving him the look, Eve held up her hands. For the first time he noticed a pair of pitch black manacles around her wrists with chains drooping down from them. How had he not f*cking noticed that? Looking down the length of the chain, they trailed a ways behind Eve but seemed to fade off into nothingness. Following the rough direction of where the chains should go, he noticed now that there was a thick layer of similar black chains wrapped around the trunk of the Tree.
“What the f*ck?” standing and gripping the black metal in his hands, he gave it a hard yank. The line immediately went taught, the invisible length connecting Eve’s chains to the tree snapping into view as if being manifested by Adam’s touch. Whatever the reason for the chains, Adam wasn’t going to leave his wife chained up. Bracing his feet against the roots, he began to tug and heave at the metal. A good two minutes of effort had him huffing and puffing with the effort and Eve laughing at him. Okay, maybe Adam had let himself go a touch in the past thousand years, the beer gut wasn't exactly tiny. However, that didn't change the fact that 10,000 years in Heaven had made him f*cking superhuman. He could bench press a building but he couldn't break a chain or budge a tree? “The f*ck is this thing made of?”
“It's the original tree from the Garden of Eden. Pretty indestructible. Nice try though.” Eve giggled, apparently used to her situation enough to laugh about it.
“And what? They just f*cking left you down here? What kind of horsesh*t is that?” Adam grunted, flopping to sit down next to Eve.
“Adam… they put me down here.” Suddenly serious, Eve had a grim expression on her face “for my own good, whatever that means.”
“Explain.”
“It's hard to remember, I don’t know if it was something that happened to me or some kind of magic they cast on me… but one day, Lucifer and Lilith are practically treating me like family and then suddenly, they are dragging me down to this cave and Lucifer conjured up these chains to hold me down. I’ve tried everything, but I can’t break them, his magic is just too strong. They only visited a few times, acting all sorry and apologetic and bringing me things to make up for it, enchanting the cave so I can control how it looks and make food for myself… but never listening when I ask to leave or ask why I’m here.” she explained with a morose sigh. To prove her point, she held out her hand and right on queue, a pristine red apple dropped from the tree above right into her palm. At least she had that going for her.
“They trapped you in a tree… for thousands of years? Those absolute f*cking c*nts! I swear, next time I see them I'll… well, sh*t, is there even a way out of here?” Adam looked around. The place was Eve’s dreamscape memory of Eden or whatever. There was a path out, same way he and Eve got chased by that asshole Cherubim… but did that apply to this version of the place? Very f*cky. Adam frowned, thinking on why Lucifer and Lilith would trap Eve. That just sounded wrong. Eve never did anything to them. Yeah, he could understand why both of them had issues with Him but not Eve. This whole thing started because they gave Eve free will, and she said they treated her well for a long time after she fell. So why turn around and trap her in some magic tree? There was something fishy about this…
“Well, yes actually. There is a way out for you, I think. They… don't really need to lock the door if I can't get to it. These chains stretch to allow me to walk anywhere in the cave, but I can’t get within a foot of the door or really any of the walls or ceiling. And yes, I’ve tried to dig, but it doesn't work.” Eve shrugged, looking longingly off into the distance. She then seemed to get an idea, biting her knuckle in that very cute way she always did when deep in thought. He gave her a moment, she tended to prefer when you let her finish a thought vs prompting her to speak her mind. Finally, she made a little huff, looking at him with an expression of cautious hope. “Actually… if you can get out, I think you can get me out… it won't be easy though.”
Adam blinked, but a grin came onto his face. Good news at last. Any chance to save his wife and look like a badass hero was one he would take.
“Let's hear it, I'm pretty badass, I can handle tough.”
“Well, this place is part of the Pride Ring. So, if you can leave and take over control of the Ring, then you should just be able to set me free. Snap of the fingers and done.simple as that. It’s just… you know, you'd have to take control from Lucifer. Minor bump in the road there.” Eve explained, grimacing at the last part.
“...Ah. Yeah. Uh… sorry babe, I kinda went to bat against that tiny prick once and it didn't go… mega great. Close fight and all but ended up not going my way.” Adam really didn't like using words or phrases like ‘i got my ass handed to me’ or mentioning that he only lived the last extra minute because Lucifer decided to stop punching the dogsh*t out of him. “I'm powerful as Hell, just… not quite that powerful.”
Eve sighed, looking defeated for a moment, before a thought came to her.
“Well, you might have a chance actually. I mean, you're a Sinner now, Sinners can get more powerful with some work.”
Adam blinked a few times. Then he looked down at his hands. Really looked at himself. Sure as sh*t, he had changed. He hadn't even noticed, he'd been so focused on finding Eve and all that. His fingers were clawed, black as soot up to his elbows. Legs were the same. He still seemed mostly human, honestly similar setup to Eve aside from the white skin and black veins she had going on. Patting his face, his features felt the same aside from the fangs and the massive f*ckoff pair of horns that felt suspiciously similar in shape to the ones of his Exorcist mask. Hell had a sh*tty sense of humor apparently.
“Well f*ck me sideways, so I am. Bit of a kick in the dick, but ultimately helpful. ” knocking a fist against his horns earned another chuckle from Eve. he had never paid a lot of attention to how the exact mechanics of Hell worked for Sinners but he knew the basics. Sinners could grow in power by stealing souls or defeating other sinners and stealing their power. Adam had never owned a soul, and it felt a bit odd to think about but if it lead to him getting the power boost needed to beat that 5ft dickhe*d and save his wife, he was more than happy to do whatever was necessary.
“The horns do look nice on you, darling. It's a bit of a long shot, but this might actually work. Might even be easier than we think, I've heard some stuff around Hell that might work to our benefit.”She was excited now, Eve hopped up, pacing around. Adam glanced down, watching as the chains trailed along behind her but never got caught on any roots or got tangled up no matter which way she turned. They were even silent. He was still furious at Lucifer for imprisoning his wife, but he could give credit to the magic he put together. Clanking knotted chains probably would have driven Eve crazy a long time ago. Adam tilted his head in confusion, cutting off her pacing.
“Uh babe, what do you mean ‘heard some stuff’? Don't really think this place has wifi.” When he pointed this out, Eve looked confused, then mildly embarrassed.
“Oh. Right. Weeell, you suddenly arriving and talking with me has been such a rush, I haven't really explained too much of my situation, have I? Right, so, being connected to this tree isn't entirely without perks.” Eve gave a cautious smile, reaching down to tap a nearby root but pausing before she did so. “Promise not to freak out?”
He seriously doubted she could show him anything he hadn’t seen in 10,00 years of human history and centuries of visiting Hell. It’s not like he was squeamish or anything. Getting a nod from Adam, she tapped the root and in the next second the idyllic scenery around them changed. Every inch of every surface came to life. Glowing red eyes cracked open and stared directly at Adam. They covered the roots, the tree, the ground, even spilling into the forest at the edge of the clearing. Adam stumbled back, trying to step on the slim spaces between eyes. Correction, he’d never seen ANYTHING that f*cked up in all of history.
“I'mnotfreakingoutareyoufreakingoutthisisatotallynormalthingbabe” the words jumbled out of his mouth, his own eyes darting around wildly to different parts of the terrain. The eyes seemed to watch him intensely, shifting slightly in perfect unison to account for his every move. The effect was f*cking chilling. Something felt deeply wrong about this sh*t. Deeply, profoundly wrong.
“Don't worry babe, they're perfectly harmless.” Eve giggled at her husband's reaction, running a finger along the edge of one of the nearby eyes like she was petting it. She was entirely too not freaked out about this. Time in solitude does stuff to you, huh?
“Mind explaining what the f*ck?” Adam said, carefully stepping between eyes to get back closer to Eve. He didn't want to think about what stepping on one would feel like. His mind imagined jello. It took all of his considerable will to not vomit at the very idea.
“Don't you recognize them?” Eve gave him a strange look then, devoid of emotion. Her red eyes softly glowing. The way she looked at him, the slight shift in posture felt wrong. Not quite eve. Not-not Eve, but like there was something else in there with her, looking through her eyes at him. A shudder ran up his back and he wasn’t sure if it was the eyes of this sudden shift in her behavior. “They're our descendants. Those Exterminations you've been doing for the last few centuries. Angelic steel can't truly kill the souls of mankind, our children are far too strong-willed for that. But it does break them, and the fragments become part of Hell, lost in the void and trying to pull themselves back together.”
That made a weird amount of sense. Now that he thought about it, Adam had seen these things before. Small groups of eves watching him from the corners of buildings or on the sidewalk. They had always just seemed like part of the background, something that made Hell look spooky. Something you just ignored. But if these things were the souls of the Exterminated… that meant f*cking billions of souls. Souls he put here.
“Oh, that's… horrifying.” Adam mumbled, mixed on how to feel about that. A long ass time ago, Adam made a conscious choice to not give a f*ck about humanity, they were too many generations removed from him to give a sh*t about. He was pretty far removed from the average modern human anyway. Adam, Eve and Lilith were the original models and made of pretty different stock. Adam was about 9ft tall, with Eve and Lilith being about a foot shorter. Bigger, stronger, and much older it was pretty easy to disconnect from mankind. He had some limits, like he stuck to full blooded angels when it came to bed partners, too hard to disassociate that part of the equation when everyone constantly reminds you that you are the ancestor of mankind. His interaction with Winners in Heaven was pretty sparse. He paid attention to their accomplishments and stuff, occasionally acknowledged some of the cooler kids and played concerts for them but that was the long and short of it. Sinners were, if anything, a poor mark on his legacy, he didn't care about killing them or feel guilty about having fun doing it. Though to have hundreds of years of dead Sinners suddenly staring back at him… Well, it was mostly weird because the eyes didn't feel angry? It was weird to try to figure out a mood based on billions of eyes staring at you, but if anything they seemed… hopeful?
“You were one of them, Adam. Another eye in the sea… I cried for you, but then, you pulled yourself back together! The first to ever do so. You have an incredible will.” Eve, illuminated by the red glow of many eyes, looked so different from the woman he once knew. Again, still Eve but just a little… not. Her new ghostly pale form, the intensity of her eyes, the glint of those fangs. It all looked rather sinister… but Adam also couldn’t deny he was hella into it. Honestly, Eve had been trapped down here for eons, she had a right to be a little f*cked up. A right to be happily plotting Lucifer’s demise. She could be a little sinister, as a treat. Eve gave a wicked grin as she gestured out towards the expanse of their descendants. “These eyes can see all over Hell, and they tell me what they see. Through them, I know a little bit of everything and quite a lot of secrets that will be useful to us. Your vengeance, my freedom, our future.” Eve purred.
He was starting to like this idea.
Overthrowing Lucifer? It kind of made sense in a way. Hell was created when he and Eve bit the apple. The place was full of his descendants. Why should Lucifer be king? Or his brat daughter? The throne of Hell was practically made for Adam… and if he could take Hell, then Heaven might be on the table as well. Why not? He knew all their secrets, so it wouldn't be hard to make use of them. He had his own army waiting for him behind the pearly gates and while the girls might be a little hesitant at first, Adam had created every Exorcist by hand, he had the means to control them if he really needed to.
“Well sh*t Babe, count me in. Tell me what's on your mind” Adam stepped towards taking her hands in his, his smile turning monstrous as he thought of things to come.
Hell had better prepare itself.
Daddy's home.
